Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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