The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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