Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
