Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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