I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
