remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
