Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
