stop calling my apartment porn island.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
