Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What a dumb baby whore.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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