Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
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You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
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Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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