FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
