This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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