1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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