Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
