i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
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I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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