Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I want you more than these girls want KFC
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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