Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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