took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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