You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
