It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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