At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
