Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
