Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
