Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
