you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
