We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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