Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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