Umm I'm too high to move.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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