Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
