Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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