we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
