just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
