you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
