Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
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Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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