im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
