Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
