If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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