Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Life is so much better after having sex.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
