Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
