your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
