I accidentally had phone sex last night
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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