I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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