i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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