had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
