did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
