Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
