mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize