I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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