Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
