Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
