I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
