I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
