I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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