I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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