right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
