I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
