Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
