I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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